Touch My Bottom

2007-03-19T15:14:00.001-05:00

2006-12-31T20:52:00.000-05:00

a venemous beast bit my doggy

2006-11-24T16:00:00.000-05:00

I took her on a walk and a copperhead bit her right between her toes. She got all woozy and was limping and shaking...it was really scary :(

But on the upside the vet gave her this adorable paw cast. She's a brave pup.

i've really outdone myself this time

2006-11-04T19:57:00.000-05:00

Words cannot express how brilliant I feel right now. I have done something that I've been trying to do unsuccessfully for the past five years. Ever since my first visit to Teapot Chinese Restaurant in Northampton, I have tried to recreate the little blocks of goodness that are known as sesame tofu. Anyone who has had the pleasure of ordering a plate of this stuff knows that its not just for fagetarians like myself. The tofu is perfectly crispy on the outside, soft on the inside, and the sauce tastes like God. Earlier this week, I found a recipe for Pan-fried sesame tofu on wholefoods.com. I was initially skeptical because anyone who has had the premade sesame tofu at Whole Foods knows that it is incredibly mediocre. Their Szechuan tofu, on the other hand, is magnificent. But that's another story.

Tonight, my Mom and I decided to buy all the froofy ingredients like rice wine vinegar (wtf?) and give it a shot. I'll spare you all the details of the cooking here and just include the recipe (with my amendments) below, but seriously, we totally nailed it. This shit is SO TIGHT. I really could not taste any difference between our tofu and the tofu at Teapot. See pix below: 1) me and my mom, with some glistening bud light on her lip 2) heaping pile of sesame wonderment.

Pan-fried Sesame Tofu

1 package extra-firm tofu
1/4 cup flour
corn oil for frying
1/4 cup sesame seeds (lightly toasted)
1/4 cup chopped scallions
for sauce:
1/3 cup honey
3 Tbsp Tamari
2 Tbsp Sesame oil
2 Tbsp rice wine vinegar
2 cloves finely minced garlic

Having tried to fry tofu many times, I think the key to making the tofu perfectly crispy is really squeezing all the water out of it like a motherfucker. The Whole Foods recipe says to wrap it in paper towels and put something heavy on top of it for 20 minutes but that is bullshit. You really need to go at it for like half an hour, wrapping in paper towels and squeezing with your hands. Let me just say I killed a few trees doing this. Moving on. Toss the tofu cubes in a little bit of flour, making sure you get every side dusted. Put all sauce ingredients in a pan and mix them up, and put it on low heat while you're frying the tofu. Then, heat up 1/2 an inch of corn oil in a pan and keep it on medium heat the whole time you're frying. Drop the little guys in and keep flipping them while they fry for like 10 minutes. When they are golden brown and feel crispy on the outside, take them out and pour the sauce on top, and finally add the sesame seeds and scallions.

I'm not kidding, this tofu will blow your mind. Try it out and let me know what you think.

...not that anyone reads my blog :)

i got this darling new necklace

2006-11-04T19:54:00.000-05:00

My sister gets weirder every day

2006-10-31T11:59:00.000-05:00

Maggie has started making youtube videos of her GP, Pierre. We tried to get him on cuteoverload but it doesn't look like that's happening.

holy. shit.

2006-10-19T22:41:00.000-05:00

so i've been on ebay the better part of today and just came across these beauties. Guinea pig Halloween costumes.

omg this is my fantasy job

2006-10-12T19:09:00.000-05:00

2006-10-09T14:36:00.000-05:00

pure gold, thx meliss

2006-10-07T16:10:00.000-05:00

2006-10-07T10:35:00.000-05:00

Update from NC

2006-09-05T22:09:00.000-05:00

Justin is forcing me to watch back to back tv shows about planets and like dark matter or something so here is a quick recap of the past week since we got to NC.

Spent the first few days entirely watching TV. We went out to get pizza one night and have been feeding off that for many days. Yesterday was the Law & Order SVU labor day marathon but Benson and Stabler still haven't boned so that's pretty disappointing. Haven't been bathing a lot because both showers in my parents' house are like getting peed on by a sick and elderly giraffe.

This morning I took Cassie on a walk and in front of a woman who was weeding her lawn, she crouched in the middle of the sidewalk and diarrhead all over the place. I found a stick and flung all the poo towards the woods but it didn't all make it.

Should be getting the buffy playstation 2 game from amazon.com in a couple days.

that is all.

this is so weird

2006-08-28T08:06:00.000-05:00

I have a boner for my harddrive, also vampire dreamz

2006-08-25T21:56:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my last day of work. During lunch I went out and got a new toy to back up everything from my office computer. It's a 250 Gb LaCie external harddrive and it's so beautiful. It's sleek and dark grey brushed metal, and boxy, none of this rounded corners bullcrap.

So I'm done with work. Starting now, Justin and I have over a month of vacation at my parent's house in Raleigh. This means hanging out with the guinea pigs, walking the doggy, and eating shitloads of papa johns and taco bell while watching HDTV. if i'm feeling productive I might set up my webserver at their house and just leave it there indefinitely.

Last night we got wasted and I fell asleep halfway through reservoir dogs. Then I had an elaborate dream that I went out alone for a night on the town in Noho, and there was a new snazzy-looking bar called "Morrissey" where moz apparently hung out every night and occasionally sang. At the end of the night, after all the riff-raff left the bar, I wandered upstairs and met a very well-dressed but sketchy vampire who was trying to bite his own neck.

Justin has been looking at online pictures of LARP events since last night. It's true. You can find many fantastical larpers just like the Scandinavian toolio above at my new fave site, larplist.com.

stinky bun

2006-08-14T22:31:00.000-05:00

Bad bunny manners.

meet Casper

2006-08-12T19:34:00.000-05:00

This special little fellow was a birthday gift from the lovely Meg Adams. He is Dutch and his name is Casper, a variant of the Dutch 'Caspar' meaning 'treasure bearer.' Casper enjoys shedding and being a cavy, but he is no ordinary guinea. He's a Hansa UK guinea, which means his rotund little bod is anatomically correct.

Just check out the wicked creepy Large Countryside Toy Animals page featuring brown and black shetland ponies, deer, and my personal fave - kangaroo with joey. I love the safety warning, "Not suitable for children under the age of 36 months." No shit! That kangaroo is so fucking scary it would make any kid crap their pants. And then it would accidentally tip over and crush the kid under its mammoth weight. I love it.

two tons of fun!!

2006-08-11T16:13:00.000-05:00

Walrus looking for love - CNN.com

2006-08-11T10:32:00.000-05:00

McFluffendoggin

2006-08-10T13:02:00.000-05:00

Golden retriever Mackenzie is in the office today. Too hot for doggies with no A/C. She wants to romp and paw at me but I have to work :( There's also a fat bulldog sprawled out on the sidewalk outside of Subway and he thwacked his chubby little paws out. i need to get a job at a sharpei factory immediately.

btw these friendly little guys are guenon monkeys:

oohhhhhhhhh just look at that fuzzy bottom chub!

oh no!

2006-08-09T08:56:00.000-05:00

Penguins corralled on Texas highway - CNN.com

"The rest of the penguins kind of stayed together in the ditch"

kill me

2006-08-08T13:29:00.000-05:00

so...I'm pretty much obsessed with Angel now. Even though the show sucks balls, and David Boreanaz still looks like a tube of meat, and they killed off my fave character halfway through the first season, and Angel spends an awkward amount of time talking about cell phone reception b/c the writers can't think up quite enough actual plot to fill an episode, I'm still way engrossed. I want to say I'm just waiting for the series finale where hopefully David Boreanaz will die, but really I think I just dig the show.

god i'm so lame. however, i did find another sw33t wallpaper of him, and this time he is manhandling some bitches.

PS Meg you should come watch with me. you know you want to.

Cutest B-day ever

2006-08-04T10:59:00.000-05:00

Wednesday was the first birthday of Su Lin, the San Diego Zoo's pandaling and ferocious rival to the Smithsonian Zoo's Tai Shan. For her b, Su Lin received a panda-sized gift box wrapped in polka-dotted paper in which to sit and be overly cute. She also received a multi-layered ice cake featuring a big "1" and her name carved in the ice. Su Lin is a leo, which means she loves attention and also tumbling off shlippery ice and landing on her widdle bottom.

mmmmmmColon!

2006-08-03T18:19:00.000-05:00

A testimonial from The Most Heinous Web Shoppe Ever:

From: "E.N."
Date: August 13, 2004 1:04:29 PM EDT
To: info@blessedherbs.com
Subject: Amazement

Oh My GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD

If I hadn't seen it for myself I never would have believed it. You know the term seeing is believing well that statement couldn't be more true. I ordered the cleansing kit about a week ago and it actually took me four days to figure out how many Digestive simulators it would take to keep me on track with three bowel movements in a day's time and when I finally reached eight I said to myself I must really have serious stuff going on inside of me. Well at this point I was all excited about getting started with my five day fast. So here it is day one wasn't so bad, yet I was little concerned because nothing was happening I even said to my co-worker " It's a good thing there's a 100% guarantee on this stuff because I maybe calling them for my money back. However I decided to go ahead with it so day two I was feeling terrible I had headaches, my stomach felt like it was turning upside down and when it came time for my second dose of Toxin Absorber I really didn't think I was going to make it through the drink but I did, well 20 minutes later I was made into a believer I felt like I needed to use the bathroom but not to the point of cramping. However when I went in and handled my business I couldn't believe what I saw come out of me I was so shocked I actually called my female co-worker into the bathroom and begged her to look well she finally agreed and we were both at awe. Now that I have two more days to go I find myself more excited than I've ever been about having a bowel movement.

Thank you for such an awesome product.

Sincerely

E.N. Louisiana

WTF squared

2006-08-02T16:15:00.000-05:00

Why the balls do I get spam like this:

Subject: Further doors show oboe

becoming scarlet cap carelessly adjusted upon his head a golden couch for a short nap and getting up to go at it again are all exactly I knew they were playing a trick on me but I didnt let on he looked haggard and worn the end of his resources so far as the extradition of the prisoner JanuaryI have seen the fair Leah but three times since Bertha

????????????

I actually prefer all the emails I get about V1JAGRA and josohROjLEX and PupadV1Jagra.

Harry Potter hearts ponyplay

2006-07-28T08:58:00.000-05:00

Naked role for Harry Potter star - CNN.com
Harry Potter...naked...riding a horse. Twenty bucks says the producer of this play is really just some HP obsessed perv who wants to see some wizard peen. He totally writes slash about Harry and Voldemort's snake.

buffy, slayer of the vampyres

2006-07-12T16:17:00.000-05:00

spent the last two weeks watching the entire buffy series. totally obsessed. just saw the finale last night and now there is a huge void in my life. melissa and tyler are coming over tonight to rewatch the seventh season. I kind of want to start watching Angel but seriously, David Boreanaz or whatever is such a freaking meathead. In case you disagree, here is a wallpaper of him looking rather penile.

VW wabbits

2006-07-12T10:41:00.000-05:00

omg. Volkswagen is making new Rabbits. Not quite as cute as the old boxier ones, but they have little chrome bunnies on the back of the car! If you go to the website you can "Breed your Rabbit" with the features you want and then make this cute family tree full of cars and buns and colorful buns. And then you can watch a commercial of your car and car-sized bunny scampering together and sniffing each other. and the bunny twitches his bunny bottom.

doggins

2006-07-07T11:28:00.000-05:00

I just took the okcupid What Breed of Dog Are You test, and although I was tailoring my answers to get Sharpei, apparently I'm a Blue Heeler.

Equally loyal and intelligent, the Blue Heeler or Australian Cattle Dog makes the perfect companion. They are fast learners and understand a great deal of what their masters say. They are also excellent at judging people's moods and acting accordingly. The Blue Heeler is generally aloof with strangers and prefers the company of its established friends.

These dogs are stoners. Just look at their eyes. They smoke the ill jibba all day long.

Chandelier: 1, Hasselhoff: gay

2006-06-30T13:48:00.000-05:00

Freak accident sends Hasselhoff to surgery - cnn.com

*Please note the weiner dogs-alongside-riverbank motif.

Hackerz

2006-06-29T09:00:00.000-05:00

Can you tell a serial killer from a computer programmer? No matter how many times I play this game, I still get a kick out of it.

why cats are freakish animals - evidence:

2006-06-28T14:28:00.000-05:00

There is actually a blog devoted to cats that look like Hitler. intense.

Axl bites a Swede

2006-06-27T10:12:00.000-05:00

Axl Rose held for 'biting guard' - CNN.com

omg. Who bites someone in the leg?? Face biting is a bit more understandable b/c the face would (presumably) be on level with axl's mouth. Leg-biting requires a real 'Lunge & Attack' scenario.

Also...nice hair.

george vs. missy

2006-06-26T18:51:00.000-05:00

George Michael / Missy Elliot - Get Ur Freak On

mawiage is what bwings us togetha

2006-06-26T14:43:00.000-05:00

Congrats to my big sis and her beau Jon on getting engaged. Don't forget, I want to be the best man. This picture reminds me of you guys. Jon is clearly George and Maggie is the retriever. Why does Maggie look like a waffle? I couldn't say really.

Pwandas, Giant Pwandas, Pwanda inc.

2006-06-23T12:57:00.000-05:00

Justin and I recently visited the Smithsonian Zoo in DC. We saw a slimy pigmy hippo, some elefantes, a friendly capybara, and a bunch of other adorable aminals. If you don't know what a capybara is, he's the guy pictured at left, and he's basically like an Extreme Guinea Pig.

We couldn't see the komodo dragon, so either he was napping under some foliage, or hopefully he escaped and found a yummy zookeeper to munch.

For me, the highlight of the trip was Tai Shan, the giant panda baby. He's almost a year old now so he's really more of a pandaling. This little guy is cute for many many reasons, the most important being: his paws are almost as big as his legs which makes for bumbly walking (so cute!), He is prone to random falling-down, He and his ma-bear like to chew on each other, and he spends most of his time shloooowly getting up, pacing in a circle, and plopping back down again.

Luckily, the Smithsonian keeps a handy PandaCam on their website so I can track Tai Shan's movements while I'm at work. They also put together a short clip of the pandaling's bumbly activities, which you can watch by clicking on this wicked cute picture. Make sure to watch the whole thing, because he falls on his widdle cushiony bottom at the end, and you don't want to miss that part.

muving

2006-06-22T09:41:00.000-05:00

Remember Rockapella? ok that was off topic.

So sept. 1 the lease runs out and that means finding new digs preferably not located in western mass. I feel pulled to NYC but maybe just because it smells so good and i can most definitely afford it. I've been thinking about different cities lately, and I need help deciding where to move. This is what I have so far:

1. Baltimore - Home of Natty Bo, beer so cheap it really tastes like piss. can't argue with that. Also generally a cheap place to live without feeling like you're in the south. I checked out the job search prospects on craigslist, and luckily they're in need of masculine blk men. so that works out.

2. Portland, OR - despite all the wonderful things I've heard about this place, it still seems to be overrun with skinny smelly pseudo-anarcho bike punx and people who are into radical circuses (i actually just described the same person), which is not my idea of a good time. If anyone has proof otherwise (Sage?), let me know b/c i'm still sort of intrigued.

3. Chicago - i remember a few years ago when all the art homeaux from hampshire college flocked to chicago. that is enough to keep me away but really there aren't enough cities in the US so i figured i would include it.

4. Austin, TX - it sounds like a good idea, but it's also in texas. hm.

5. Seattle - Devin Bannon hails from this place, so it must be a fantastical land full of fairy dust and delicious boys. sounds good to me.

6. Philadelphia - I have nothing to go on. Anyone ever been there? what's it like?

7. Raleigh, NC - the ol' home town. My parents are there, along with their new guinea pigs Wayne and Garth (at right). Also the whole foods sells vegetarian southern-style BBQ. holy shit this stuff is amazing. Southern people are pretty sweet, too. This is definitely a contender.

Any other suggestions?

PS If no one responds to this post i'm going to feel like a serious boob, so pls, give feedback.

um...

2006-06-16T22:27:00.000-05:00

this guy is my top match In The World on okcupid.

i really need to start going to ren fairs.

Snocrates

2006-06-15T11:50:00.000-05:00

It has come to my attention that some of my friends, namely Otis and John, don't know about Snausages. Please turn up the volume on your comp and enrich your life.

Make sure to visit Snocrates™ Fun House and Dress up your screen with some of Snocrates' wacky antics!

observation

2006-06-15T10:29:00.000-05:00

My first year of college, I developed a condition called Bruxism. This is one of my many pseudo-ailments that is only mildly annoying and in the end, just contributes to my overblown hypochondria. Bruxism is the grinding of teeth due to high levels of stress. I do this in my sleep, and if I don't wear the supercute retainer prescribed to me, after a few months my front teeth will develop noticeable ridges. So if I don't want to look like a sweet hillbilly I go to the dentist and have my teeth ground down. Much like every other negative in my life, I blame Hampshire College on the development of this condition.

Luckily, I think I just discovered the real root of my stress and anxiety...

Crafts.

That's right. Motherfucking crafts. Crunchy, vaginal, folksy, K-records-influenced, retarded homemade stuffed animal bullshit. No one wants to buy your cute little rat made out of a quilt and buckwheat hulls.

There are obvi exceptions to this rule. Monsters, robots, insects, bats, and penguins are all legit craft items. Also, this gnarly portrait of Jay Leno made out of toenails and lint is clearly legit.

Le sigh.

2006-06-05T10:59:00.000-05:00

I really need to stop reading the nyc Missed Connections. Because this happens...and then I wish it was a post on the western mass missed connections...and then I wish it was a post for me.

Like a Cock

2006-05-24T14:12:00.000-05:00

I pass by this truck every day on my walk home from work. It looks like an enormous dildo. I wonder if the guy who drives this dildo realizes it belongs in a gine and not on the street.

Doggies got me down

2006-05-23T08:52:00.000-05:00

I've always been one of those extreme douchebags who cries during life insurance commercials. All it takes is a couple of five year-old ambiguously retarded kids skipping gaily through a meadow, and it's all over.

This week I hit an all-time low. Friday night, I was perusing the hallmark cards in CVS when I came across a section I had never seen before. It was called, "Sympathy - Death of Dog." I immediately started crying. Keep in mind I wasn't crying from reading a hallmark card, but from a section title of hallmark cards. That is fucked up.

This morning as I skimmed the "Offbeat" section of CNN news, the only stories that matter, I found a real winner. This video of the cutest Debilitatingly Fat Doggy made me cry. wtf.

Maybe I just need a shar-pei.

Fresh

2006-05-15T13:30:00.000-05:00

The Wonderful Thing About Ravers

2006-05-15T12:31:00.000-05:00

is ravers are wonderful things